Winning an argument is tempting for most people working in a team. Who does not wish to be right? Who does not want to have the last say and feel victorious? But if your focus is on the team’s progress and not on personal whims, sometimes it is better in the first place not to get into an argument. The best way to get your message across to people is to win them over instead of winning an argument with them.

What happens when you try to win arguments

When you get into an argument with people, they become defensive. Both of you try to assert your point of view without bothering to listen to the other person whether or not he/she is right. This makes both of you even more fixed on your opinions. Arguments never reach a satisfactory conclusion.

You can never achieve the right thing for your team by trying to win an argument and forcing them to accept your views. You may not always be right. And even if you are right, by arguing, you only harm your working relationships.

How arguments affect working relationships with each other

When you argue, you are trying to control the other person’s thoughts, feelings and actions. Nobody likes that. When you are out to prove that you are right, it only provokes the other person. Passive aggression, frustration, and lack of distrust will follow. Some people might not show it outwardly, but they will silently think of how to settle scores.

For the sake of your team, collective goals and healthy working relationships with each other, do not get into arguments. Instead, use the following tips to converse with people and arrive at the right conclusion.

How to win people over rather than winning arguments

1. Stay calm: Maintain your composure when you talk. If you lose it, the talk will turn into an argument.

2. Be Present and Listen: Never interrupt people when they talk. Not only is this irritating to them, but you may also lose out on some useful important point that they may have. Listen intently and acknowledge what they say before putting forth your point.

3. Be logical: Spell out your thoughts in a logical sequence to make them understand your point. Use pauses to allow them to comprehend. Ask “Does this make sense?” to help you check if the other party understands what you say.

4. Find a win-win situation: Try to accommodate some of the valid points that people raise. The challenge is usually to find the things that you both agree on and work on it.In one of my trainings, we practice the 101% principle, this means that sometimes you have to find the 1% we both agree on and give it our 100%.

Ensure that everyone can WIN from the disagreement and how to arrive at the best agreement.

For example, if a team member wants a pay raise and his manager is reluctant, an argument will naturally ensue. But what if the manager agrees on the condition that the team member learns a new skill or hits certain Key Performance Indicators (KPI)? Both will benefit.

Remember, winning a person over is more important than winning arguments. This is because relationships last for a long time while problems are only temporary.

Popularity: 32% [?]

Have you ever offended people by your speech or actions? Well, I don’t know about you, but I have done that many times and I am not proud of it. What do you do when you feel you need to apologize?

Here is the 4 step process that I use that has benefited me tremendously when I need to apologise:

1. Realize and admit that you am wrong

Apologizing first has to start with you fully accepting that you are in the wrong. You will not be congruent in your apology when you refuse to see that its your fault. Restoration of relationships can only when someone admits their mistake.

2. Be sincere and specific about your mistake

Clearly list down what are the mistakes you are apologetic about and be sincere about it. Be very clear in why you need to apologize, what you are apologizing for and that you treasure your relationship more than your pride.

3. Pause

After you have said what you need to say, give a short pause to your apology. This will help the other person to process what you have said. If you keep talking, most people will not be able to remember the key words in your apology.

4. Ask what can you do to make things better

Lastly, ask the offended party what you can do right now to appease their anger. This helps to show that you are willing to make atonement for your mistakes.

Popularity: 49% [?]

Trust IS the most fundamental element in all relationships. It is essential to business performance, sales, managing people or even just relating and sharing with loved ones. To build your trust-worthiness, here are some things that you really need to keep in mind.

1. Trust starts from a perspective

It starts from the very perspective that you have of other people. If you view people with suspicion most of the time, the chances are that you had a very bad experience in your past with people. You tend to treat most people with suspicion, whether they are trust-worthy or not. However if you have a perspective that most people are trustworthy, you will tend find them and people will reciprocate your view points. Ralph Waldo Emerson, a great poet, shares “Trust men and they will be true to you; treat them greatly, and they will show themselves great.”

2. Trust means to say what you mean and mean what you say

Trust basically starts from yourself. If you want people to trust whatever you say, you have to first start with being consistent with your words and then honouring them at every moment. Our personal character is the first place to start before we start on our relationships. Here are some questions that have to be answered: Is my character solid? Do I follow through in what I say? Am I honest with the way I live my live?

3. Trust knows no boundaries in the different areas of your life

Cheryl Biehl once said that if you can’t trust people at all points, you can’t truly trust him or her at any point. There are many times in my life where I find it a struggle to be consistent. One of the earliest problems I had was being late every time I meet people and it became a trust issue to other people. They could not believe that I could ever come early. It was only after a long struggle, that I learn to honour peoples’ time and strived to always arrive early. My take on this is that if I cannot even honour my punctuality in meeting with people, they will find it difficult to trust me in other areas of my life.

4. Trust is like an emotional bank account

Trust is like a currency that we deposit with other people’s emotional bank account. Everytime we honour our words, we make a deposit. Every time we dishonour our words, we withdraw with (with interest) from them. The problem is that deposits are usually very small, while every withdrawal tends to be very large. Therefore, strive to make frequent deposits every day, while avoiding withdrawals.

Let me leave you with a quote:

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.” Frank Crane

Popularity: 36% [?]

Here are some invaluable ways that will help you win over people:

1. Smile when you talk

People are more comfortable with you when you give them your best smile. It destroys any barriers and helps build a sense of connectedness. In all of my public talks, I usually go to the venue early and smile at my participants even before I talk. This creates empathy and helps them know that I am friendly even before I speak.

2. Encourage others to talk about themselves

Great conversationalists are usually good in getting people to talk about themselves. When you consistently shift the focus to your friend and really get to know them on a personal level, they feel that someone actually cares about them.

There’s a story about Britain’s two great prime ministers are William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli. A young woman went to dinner with them on successive nights. When asked by people around her on what she thought of the two men, she said: “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. However, when I sat next to Mr Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England!”

3. Use their names often

One of the most sweetest things you can ever hear about yourself is probably your name. I try to use it as much as possible in my conversations. Whenever I meet people who are serving me (like waitresses, bankers or even fast food restaurant staff), I usually acknowledge them by thanking them by specifically mentioning their name, eg. “Thank you Helen for the food!” It usually brings a smile to their faces!

4. Make the other person feel important

If you can make people feel important, you will usually be able to influence them. I could recall speaking to another trainer friend of mine who has this unique ability to really help you feel good about yourself. She constantly makes remarks on how well you approached the problem, how your contributions are acknowledged as well as your efforts in serving the people around you. She basically makes you feel that you are important and the world would have been worst off without your presence. This is a mark of a person who constantly seeks to raise people up with words of affirmation.

Conclusion

John Maxwell so aptly puts it regarding charisma. The person without charisma walks into a group and says “Here I am”. The person with charisma walks into a group announcing “There you are”. To influence people is not difficult, all you need is to win their hearts.

Popularity: 56% [?]

I was asked by my friend some time ago about how I managed to be popular among friends. Even strangers who never met me before could remember my name. He asked me alot of questions about how he could make himself entertaining, whether there were interesting jokes he could remember and so forth…

“DO you really want to know the Secret? It will just change the way you talk and think!” I asked rather mischievously.

He nodded his head and I started to explain…

“Here’s the Secret: Most people in the world really want to talk about themselves. Sometimes all we need to have a great conversation is to ask questions! Get them to talk about themselves. The Secret to being the most interesting person is to be the MOST INTERESTED! Practice Active Listening and show your interest by asking questions.”

I shared with him a real life example with another one of my friends called D (name with-held to protect his identity). I met up with D to have dinner and the whole night I did nothing but just asked questions. This is how the conversation when:

“So… how’s life with you now?” (D shared)

“How’s your job now?” (D shared some more)

“Oh… really… what happened.. tell me more?” (D talked about a particular incident)

“How did you feel about the whole thing?” (D talked again)

We went on like this for one and a half hours. All I did was ask a ton of questions. All I needed is to be really interested in what D did. At the end of the whole conversation, D mentioned that “It was the BEST conversation he had in his entire life!” I smiled after that.

In my mind, I was saying “BUT I didn’t say anything about myself at all!” However, it proved a point. It proved that to connect with people, I must constantly show them that I am sincerely interested in what’s happening in their lives. If I am truely interested in knowing a person, I will really listen first and talk much later. Its all about them, and not about me. This is the simple law of human interaction, nothing sexy about it.

Imagine if we were to practice active listening and be interested, how much will it help in our ability to persuade and move people? How will it change the way you manage people or improve your relationships, especially when people are resistant? How will this be able to build your team in the areas of empathy towards others?”

Popularity: 6% [?]