Win People Over Rather Than Win Arguments
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Winning an argument is tempting for most people working in a team. Who does not wish to be right? Who does not want to have the last say and feel victorious? But if your focus is on the team’s progress and not on personal whims, sometimes it is better in the first place not to get into an argument. The best way to get your message across to people is to win them over instead of winning an argument with them.
What happens when you try to win arguments
When you get into an argument with people, they become defensive. Both of you try to assert your point of view without bothering to listen to the other person whether or not he/she is right. This makes both of you even more fixed on your opinions. Arguments never reach a satisfactory conclusion.
You can never achieve the right thing for your team by trying to win an argument and forcing them to accept your views. You may not always be right. And even if you are right, by arguing, you only harm your working relationships.
How arguments affect working relationships with each other
When you argue, you are trying to control the other person’s thoughts, feelings and actions. Nobody likes that. When you are out to prove that you are right, it only provokes the other person. Passive aggression, frustration, and lack of distrust will follow. Some people might not show it outwardly, but they will silently think of how to settle scores.
For the sake of your team, collective goals and healthy working relationships with each other, do not get into arguments. Instead, use the following tips to converse with people and arrive at the right conclusion.
How to win people over rather than winning arguments
1. Stay calm: Maintain your composure when you talk. If you lose it, the talk will turn into an argument.
2. Be Present and Listen: Never interrupt people when they talk. Not only is this irritating to them, but you may also lose out on some useful important point that they may have. Listen intently and acknowledge what they say before putting forth your point.
3. Be logical: Spell out your thoughts in a logical sequence to make them understand your point. Use pauses to allow them to comprehend. Ask “Does this make sense?” to help you check if the other party understands what you say.
4. Find a win-win situation: Try to accommodate some of the valid points that people raise. The challenge is usually to find the things that you both agree on and work on it.In one of my trainings, we practice the 101% principle, this means that sometimes you have to find the 1% we both agree on and give it our 100%.
Ensure that everyone can WIN from the disagreement and how to arrive at the best agreement.
For example, if a team member wants a pay raise and his manager is reluctant, an argument will naturally ensue. But what if the manager agrees on the condition that the team member learns a new skill or hits certain Key Performance Indicators (KPI)? Both will benefit.
Remember, winning a person over is more important than winning arguments. This is because relationships last for a long time while problems are only temporary.
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Tagged with: Argument • be present • Win-win game
Filed under: Interpersonal Skills • Teamwork
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Great article, Kenneth! You know, most of us actually know it up in our heads, but we have a tendency to choose to let ourselves be led by our negative emotions. One of the handles I have found useful for myself is to adopt the age-old practice of taking a deep breath and counting to 10, by which time the wrath should have gone down to a more controllable level. One of the main reasons we get into arguments is because we tend to think that we have “rights”, and that those “rights” have somehow been violated by the person with whom we are having, or going to have, an argument with. If we consciously put our “rights” aside and focus on the greater good, it is more likely that we will achieve a higher percentage of “win-win” situations.
Hi Elijah,
Agree with you that sometimes the emotions overrun the thinking. That is why we need to master our own emotions and not let it control us
Heylo Kenneth !
It is a really interesting and useful article, and rather insightful too ! I think it is useful not only for working adults but for students too , especially when we have to deal with difficult workmates during project work . Sometimes when two people cannot agree with each other , it leads into an argument and that is when work cannot be done properly , especially if there is still a lot of tension going on between them . And it always makes things difficult for the rest of the team too .
But like my sister told me once – that we should think with our head and feel with our heart , not the other way around .
I should share this article with some of my friends !
Thank you !
Dear Kenneth,
#1 Stay clam is most important of all, loosing the cool is equal to loosing every “right” that every one of us thought that we have.
At the end of the day, it is not the number of argument one wins that counts, a lot of things “doesn’t matters” any more over time. Upsetting ourselves is truly unnecessary.
Recently, I simply walk away.
Simple, truthful & beneficial. Your article applies to everyone, everywhere.
I think that ‘Staying Calm & Maintaining One’s Composure’ is an essential quality of all negotiators and mediators. In doing so, one exudes confidence which can steadily bear down on the opposite party. Eventually, the other party may become less confrontational, less stubborn, less arrogant and more prepared to accept a win-win situation.
However, that quality requires considerable training to develop.
Practice makes perfect!