I came across this very interesting video on whether you have a strong sense of situational awareness. Are you able to spot the 21 changes that are in this short video?

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Picture by www.workrelationships.com

Tom dreads to work because he thinks that his boss is overbearing and often wants to micromanage him.

For Susan, every morning is always a challenge as she tries to wake her son up for school.

David feels that he is too nice and is unable to say “no” when someone requests for help. He often ends up drained because of his need to help others.

What these three persons have in common is that they are facing with difficult people and do not know how to deal with it. Do these stories resonate with you?

At some point in our lives, we need to deal with difficult people because they are everywhere. They can either pose a challenge in our lives or pop up unexpectedly, always demanding that we do things their way. In the end, they can leave us feeling stressed, frustrated and angry.

Perspective
In order to deal with difficult people, we need to know that they are not against us. In fact, they are just protecting their own self-interests.  These self-interests are basically their own set of values and beliefs which they have learnt from experiences of the past.  Hence, they are more adamant to “stick their guns” concerning certain ways of doing things, or holding certain views.

On the other hand, there are issues that you may deem important while they may be nonchalant about them.  The point is that people are motivated for their own reasons and not for your reasons.

Personalities
While we cannot see people’s motivations, we can see how they behave.  Intrinsic motivations are usually acted in a behaviours.  Grouped together, these behaviours are called “personalities”. By looking at their personalities, we can know certain clues to how they are motivated.

For example, someone who is extroverted usually likes to relate to people and may be the life of the party.  So, if you prefer to be alone or less incline to mix around, you may find that it takes extra energy to “party” with them all the time.  Over time, you will find them to be “difficult” because you cannot keep up with the energy to be engaged with people just like they do. You may feel stressed just by trying to keep up with it.

Conversely, introverted persons are more reserved and may be more cautious in life. They need more details before making a decision.  Therefore the extroverted people may find these people a challenge because they think that it is such a waste of time to be so cautious that one needs to weigh many factors before making a decision. As a result, the extroverted needs a little bit of patience when relating to the introverted.

Dealing with difficult people
The good news is that we don’t need to end up in a gridlock when dealing with difficult people.  Here are some pointers on what you can do when dealing with them:

1. Don’t judge or label
When people are difficult, we find it easy to judge or label them.  Labels such as, “You are always so irresponsible!” or “You are so stupid!” do not help. They will evoke strong feelings and may cause people to be defensive. They may also cause people to alienate people from you – leaving both parties frustrated.

2. Don’t be defensive
When difficult people confront you, don’t be defensive because defensiveness will put you in a position where others may perceive you as evading your own responsibilities or trying to be adamant concerning your own views. They may also view you as someone who is inflexible.

3. State the facts
Instead of judging or labelling, just state the facts. Starting the facts neutralises the situation.  For example, instead of saying, “Why are you always late (labelling) with your reports? You know you are always so irresponsible (judging), you always slow the team down!”, just say, “The report was due three days ago” (fact).

4. Be curious
This is where you allow the other person to explain. By being curious, we allow the other party to air out so that we are able to understand where the other person is coming from. “The report was due three days ago, what happen?”

It does not matter what the other person is trying to explain, by allowing him space to explain, we are sending the message that we care.  It does not even matter if you believe his story. Listening to his explanation shows that you care.

5. Re-contract
For this example in this article, it is important to re-contract with him the new deadline.  If time is crucial, then you should state the deadline. If not, allow him to decide the new deadline.  However, re-contracting is important to re-gain the trust.

6. Future planning
In order not to fire fight and to prevent a recurring episode, which will end up you being frustrated again, be proactive by future planning.  A question like, “How can we ensure that it won’t happen again in the future?” would suffice.  Here you are being proactive by asking the person to tell you how to prevent a relapse.  In other words, he needs to have a concrete plan to make sure that the future deadlines are being adhere to.

Conclusion

Dealing with difficult people may appear challenging.  Often if we label or judge these difficult people, it will make matters worse because we perceived that they will never change and we may end up feeling trapped.

However, having the perspective that difficult people are not being difficult, but they are just acting out of their own motivations will enable us to relate to them according to their own personalities. This will also extend our locus of control.  We are no longer feeling helpless but we know that we are able to deal with them accordingly.

Using facts to dialogue with them help us to bring across the point without getting personal. This will also enable to negotiate the behaviour that was agreed in the past, or/and establish new behaviour – resulting in both parties having a win-win situation.

Article contributed by Danny Ho, an Associate Master Trainer with Deep Impact. He will be conducting a full day public workshop on 29 July to teach you how to Deal with Difficult People. Do sign up NOW since there are only 20 spaces available.

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Thank you very much for your interest in the NAC tickets! I am honored to receive a total of 64 people who were interested and am excited to announce the winners! Remember, all you needed to do is to TAKE ACTION and the ticket is yours!

Just send me a message on the following info (below) and I will follow up:

First and Last Name

Address

Email address

Handphone Number

I will immediately post the tickets to your place!

Here are the winners:

Bryan Ong

Cynthia Zhai

Daphne Wan

David Liu Qingwen

David Sia Boon Sen

Donmarl Camua

Edwin Ralphael

George Wong Wine Mba

Gerald Ho

Hee Zhen Zhen Lina

Isaac Lee Yong Kang

Isaac Teh

Isabel Elaine Leong

James Tan

Jimmy Chew

Jokuan Lum

Kevin Chan

Lawrence Chua

Lilian Wu

Lydia Gan

Mai Thi Ngoc Tu

Martin Lee

Merlin Koh

Prem Lulla

Quek Hong Choon

Serene Yew Ker Huan

T. Chris Ang

Yee Shun Jian

Yoon Kee Yap

Popularity: 8% [?]

I have 30 tickets of the National Achiever’s Congress (NAC) worth $197 to be given away to my facebook fans and loyal subscribers like you! The NAC is an exciting event where the best SME business owners, high flying decision makers and CEOs gather to share their success formulas.

You can read more about the line of speakers from their website.

I have personally learnt quite a few things over the years and have been attending this seminar for 6 years straight! I hope that you can learn and make improvements into your life, business or relationships. Just one idea from this seminar can change the way you think and make a difference in your life!

There are 2 ways to get a ticket, simply:

1. Post in the comment box of this post and say “I want a Ticket to the NAC! Woo Hoo!”     or

2.  “LIKE” my Facebook Fan page and write on the wall using the same words in statement 1.

That’s all you need to do to stand a chance to WIN a ticket. From the 30 tickets, 20 of them will go to the Facebook Fan page and 10 of it will go to the subscribers of this blog (which is you). I will randomly pick the winners on 12 May.

Quickly, take action NOW and stand to win tickets!

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In my previous blogpost, I mentioned that I was featured as an invited speaker over the Radio Channel 938LIVE on the topic of “Do Motivational Talks Really Work?”

Honestly, I have been engaged to speak/train in over 6 countries to thousands of people so far and there have been mixed responses. There are basically 2 camps of people, one group saying that it works big time and really changes their lives, while there is the other side where they say all the motivational fluff does not work at all.

Anyway, despite which side you are, let me share with you what I think and also the motivational theory behind it. It will really make a difference once you understand its concept.

Here are some photos that I have taken during my time in the Mediacorp, the leading media station in Singapore. The best part is that I have recorded what I have said over the air and is made available to my loyal subscribers like you. The link is below. Enjoy my conversation with Show Host, Eugene Loh.

Eugene Loh and me talking for a few minutes before the radio interview

Getting ready to speak just before the traffic news segment

The interesting thing about going on this segment is that Eugene prefers not to have the session scripted. I was rather surprised that there were no prepared questions before hand since he wanted it as natural as possible. So the radio segment what you hear will be pretty much me speaking from my heart and mind on how you can make the most out of motivational programs and also how you constantly stay motivated in your life, especially when the daily problems of work plague you.

Do Motivational Talks Really Work with Kenneth Kwan

Popularity: 5% [?]

I will be interviewed over Singapore’s 938FM LIVE on 19 Apr (Tues), from 2-3pm. My topic will be on “Do motivational talks really change you?”

Since I have been invited to speak in many companies on such topics of motivation and personal growth, I hope to dispel some wrong ideas about motivational seminars! I hope to be able to record the talk and share with my subscribers after the radio show.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Image by executivecoachingsolutions.files.wordpress.com

Whenever people face obstacles what do you think are their first thoughts that come to their minds?

1. There are just too many problems down here, can someone do something about it?

2. Not this again, its the 4th time that I had to deal with it

3. I don’t like this at all, how I wish that it will all go away.

When faced with multitudes of problems, do we just shrug and give up? Or are we going to do something about it? How many of us actually have colleagues who keep talking about problems more than solutions? Even if we help them come up with solutions, how do we actually help them to be more independent in solving their own problems. I mean, if they were the ones who come up with their own solutions, they are more likely to act on it and solve it. The question is “how do we make them more solution focused?” Better yet, is there a fast way to do it?

It is not as tough as it seems but allow me to share with you more about how to do it.

Let me introduce you to a technique that I have found useful in my work with people. It is called Solution Focused Brief Coaching (SFBC).

Solution Focused Brief Coaching is essentially a technique of coaching that is brief (taking only about 40mins or less and can be as short as 15 mins for Speed Coaching depending on client’s motivation compared to 1hr of coaching) and focuses on helping the client be more solution focused. I use the word “client” because the official counseling term for it means a person is under our protection. Therefore a client could be your colleague in the workplace, your teenager at home, your spouse and so on. SFBC does not focus the problems in detail but helps the client to be more solution focused by asking a set of questions that help them look for solutions.

Here are some core focuses of SFBC:

1. Focus on the strengths, not weaknesses.

2. Focus on solutions, rather than problems.

3. Focus on competencies, rather than inadequacies.

4. Focus on “What can” rather than “What can’t” be done.

Why not focus on the problem in detail?

If we were to dwell too long in the problem stage, the client might get more and more depressed about a situation. This creates an unresourceful state that does not help in solving problems. There are many times when I have listened to people talk about their problems, and the problems all the sudden get bigger and bigger. It then becomes so big that some people just resign to their ‘fate’ and accept the problems to be part of their lives. Some people even moved on to complain about other problems related to the first incident and it snowballs in a downward spiral. In addition, talking about the problem too long will not help a person to ‘snap’ out of their depression, it just encourages them to stay focused as victims of society.

By helping a client be solution focused, we move them in a more resourceful state of thinking. They are able to explore opportunities or strategies that they might had used before to get results for themselves. The coaching process is also shorter because the ranting of problems is significantly reduced. In addition, the client’s confidence in solving a situation improves because they realise that they have more choices available to them. Lastly, they feel better themselves to be able to think of solutions to their problems, rather than allow others to suggest it for them. They will feel that they own the problem.

Here are some examples of questions that we can use to help a person to be more solution focused (this list below is not exhaustive):

1. What needs to happen today to make you feel that this coaching session is worthwhile?

2. What are the benefits of it?

3. What motivates you to do it?

4. What will people say when you do it?

5. How is that important to you?

6. Who encourages you the most during this process?

7. How do you think you can surround yourself with these people?

8. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being _____ and 10 being _______, where are you?

9. How can you move to the next level?

10. What can you do right now after this session?

When such questions are asked, the usual response is that the client usually finds the solutions for themselves and have a more actionable plan after the coaching. In most cases I have observed in one to one sharing, there is no clear follow up on what can be done and it renders the sharing time to be unproductive. I know that sometimes sharing something without a specific end in mind might be therapeutic to some, but if we really want to solve problems, we need to solution focused, or else we will revisit this problem again in the near future. By using the solution focused questions above, many clients of mine (some of them are also personal friends) have commented that they are able to come to solutions quickly and are excited to try them out.

Here are some problem talk questions that you should avoid:

1. What’s wrong with what you are doing?

2. What makes it hard?

3. How come you can’t seem to improve?

4. What do you dislike about it?

5. Who are the people who are not supportive of your goals?

6. What is your main cause of difficulty?

7. What makes you stuck?

The next time you speak to a person, are you asking the right questions to move a person from being focused on problems to more solution focused? I hope you will be more aware that the quality of your questions will determine the quality of response from your client. Do help them to be more solution focused in solving their own issues.

We do offer solution focused brief coaching workshops for participants and have run programs for school teachers, corporate executives, managers and leaders. If you wish to find out more about such workshops, do contact us.

Popularity: 17% [?]

I noticed that a lot of people around me tend to get mixed up with what is the difference between talent and strength. They sometimes use these words inter-changeably. However, I would like to clarify the main differences and how it will help someone to clarify what they can really do in life. Once you can be very self-aware, you will tend to do things that will make you more happy and successful.

If you are ready to find out what is the difference, do read on.

First of all, let’s define the terms.

Talent is the ability to quickly pick up a certain skill compared to the majority of the people. You have an ‘unfair’ advantage and can learn it faster. This means that you are naturally predisposed to learning a particular skill at a faster rate.

Strengths are basically what you can do really well. If you have strong vocals and can sing in front of people well, you can consider that singing is one of your strengths.

However, remember that having talent does not equate you to being strong at it. Let me explain further.

If you wish to be a professional athlete in running short distances, you will first need to have talent. Having talent means that you should be able to run fast naturally and qualify to be in the selection process. However, you will need to work on extremely hard on your talent and be willing to take the long grueling hours of training to make running your strength.

You will notice that professional athletes tend to work very hard and strive for excellence in their training. They keep wanting to beat their previous timing and will put in the time and effort to be the best of their field. They gradually be strong in their skill and people finally consider that particular skill to be their strength. I wish to highlight that nothing ever becomes your strength; if you do not put in the necessary hours of hard work.

The interesting thing about being strong in a particular skill is that it has some transferrable skills that will help you pick up other skills related to it. For example, if you know how to play the guitar well, you will tend to pick up other instruments quickly.

The good news is also if you are not naturally talented in doing something, you can compensate it with a lot of hard work to eventually make it your strength. However, this takes a lot of determination and constant practice.

Let me share with you my life example on this:

I knew from a very young age that I had a ‘little talent’ in speaking from the stage. Actually the truth was that I was extremely chatty. In primary school, I was considered to be an outstanding student and this meant that I was usually punished to stand outside the classroom because of my excessive chatting.

When I was around 17 years old, I was served as a volunteer in a youth organisation that constantly ran indoor and outdoor programs. Somehow I was always given the role of planning the program and also emceeing it. It took about nearly 10 over gigs before I started becoming a better emcee. It was only after 60 over programs then I started to be very good. I learnt that emceeing is not about speaking from the stage, but about entertaining people and creating high energy. I moved on from emceeing in front of small crowds to doing dinner and dances, events and beauty pageants to 700 over people.

Kenneth emceeing Paul Mitchell's beauty contest

Over the years, I did nothing much but to constantly grabbed whatever opportunity to speak in front of the public. It was then I realised that I was actually pretty good in speaking and entertaining.

People said that I was rather talented, but I beg to differ. I really worked hard on it. While people were staying at home or going out with their friends, I was working hard in ensuring that I will be really good in my skills. Inspirational speaking became my strength. When I finally understood what my strengths were, it really helped me to decide what I was going to do in my life. I knew that it had to be a role where I was in constant contact with people and somehow had to be in-line with educating people.

My Decision to be a Trainer

It was because of knowing what I was really strong in and then asking myself what I was really passionate about. It took me a long time to figure it out but finally I knew that I wanted to become a trainer. If you looked around, most trainers in the professional services were usually older, usually in their 40s. However, I decided that I had this unique talent and was willing to work hard on it. I gave it everything I had and I started at the age of 27. I was one of the youngest trainers around in this particular market.

I truly hold on to the view that we just need to be good in doing one thing well, in fact it must be pursued with so much excellence that people will actually pay you money for it. It was then I became extremely good in running team building programs. By constantly working on my strength, I was actually getting better and better at what I was doing. This further increased my fierce motivation to be even better at training. If you can recall from an earlier blog post, I wrote about my decision that changed my life.

After years of hard work, I became a platform speaker on the areas of motivation and building high performance teams. Even right now, I am paid a lot of money to give keynotes and educate professionals and executives on my speciality. I have travelled to six countries so far to provide trainings and talks. If you asked me if this was what I ever dreamed about, I honestly want to say that I have never dreamed that I could get so far.

Kenneth speaking to 60 HR professionals in a Learning & Development Conference

Its about you now

If you constantly work on yourself and ask what kind of role you could do to play on your strengths, I believe that you definitely become better and successful in what you do. Even in your job, you have to ask if what you are doing is helping you to stay in your strength zone and growing it?

Work on your strengths, not on your weaknesses.

Popularity: 17% [?]

I am one of the 7 speakers who will be speaking for Raise Your Game 2011. It is an entertaining and content rich seminar where you will learn from professional speakers on how to make significant changes to your life!

If you want to quickly jumpstart this year productively, grow personally and professionally, this is an event that you can’t miss. All it takes is one great idea from this seminar that will totally change your life, business or relationships.

In this seminar, you will learn:

• Productivity Mindset: Three keys to accelerating team performance by Tim Wade
• The Positive Virus: How to be the best you and influence others by Andrew Bryant, CSP
• Presenting to Win: Pitching your ideas to any audience – and win every time by Tina Altieri
• From Resistance to Irresistible: Learning to take positive charge of your life by Santhanaram Jayaram
• New Ways of Conquering Critical Challenges: Think smart to work smarter by Tremaine Du Preez
• Becoming Fabulously Successful: How dressing like a leader can propel your career into the fast lane by Sharon Connolly
• Master Your Inner Self: Master your habits or they master you by Kenneth Kwan

This is a Seminar where 10% of all profits will go Operation Smile. It is a mobilised force of medical professionals who provide safe and effective reconstructive surgery for children born of facial deformities.

Here are the details:

Date: Thursday, 24 Feb 2011

Time: 0845-1730

Place: Hotel in Central Singapore

Investment: $268 (before 8 jan 2011), $368 (from 8 Jan onwards)

For Registration, click here.

The great news is that as one of my readers, I can bring 3 of my readers in at 50% off the price. I hope you will quickly take action and email to me directly at

kenneth(at)deepimpactonline(dot)com

(I have given this email address to prevent spam, please edit it accordingly).

Hope to see you there! Be Awesome!

Popularity: 6% [?]

Have you been hitting the snooze button?

You are sleeping very soundly and comfortably in your bed. All the sudden, a loud ringing sound is activated and you slowly drag yourself out of the bed. You reach towards your clock and look for the button to activate the snooze.

“Just five more minutes”, you tell yourself and crash back towards the bed. This ritual repeats itself for another three times before you realise that you really need to wake up. Need to wake up before you are late for work.

Has this ever happened to you?

Honestly speaking, I used to be like this. In fact, I really loved to sleep but ever since I have decided to take complete control over my habits, I noticed that this scenario has dramatically decreased. I realised that snoozing is a bad habit and I need to take control of this area of my life. In fact, I began to see that in the earlier part of my life, I have been snoozing away. Let me explain to you what I mean.

We tend to live life in a snooze mode. This means that in most cases, whenever people want to make significant changes in their lives, they tend to think…

“I’ll should just wait a little while more…”

“Just one more week of this before I really start doing something about it…”

“Wait till I have more time/money (delete where applicable), then I will finally get down to it.”

They tend to hit the snooze button in their lives. They figure out that they need to ‘sleep’ a little more and put things off. They decide to just wait a little while more and delay to enjoy the comfort of their current lifestyle. Every time I hear someone who wants to make a significant change in their life and that he/she wants to start next week/month/year, I shudder. That is because I know that it will probably not happen or that person will inevitably give up after some time.

You see, all of us have significant dreams and desires that we have always wanted to do. It could be the work-out that you needed, the change of work scope that you wanted or the promotion that you desired. Why don’t you make it happen, rather than wait for the ‘right’ moment to occur?

Do you hit the snooze button in your life?

Honestly, I have done it so many times that I confess that it is really harmed me. The best part about running my business is that every action that I take, I can see almost immediate effects of my actions. If I am sloppy, my business will be sloppy and so will my staff. However, if I am on top of things and demand that we do a job well, my business will be like that and my staff will react in the same way. The good news is that I have repented and have decided to be aggressive in eliminating the snooze effect in my life.

So, if you really need to change your habits that are killing you, work on it right now. Don’t hit the snooze button.

If you need to work on your health, eat right and treat your body well, do right now. Do not snooze over it.

If you need to make your relationships enduring and exciting, work on it now. Do not snooze over it.

If you have been losing money in your investment decisions, educate yourself right now. Do not snooze over it.

I am convinced that you will start to see changes, if you constantly ask what are the immediate actions you can take in a particular area of your life and be relentless to make it happen.

Making a change in your life needs momentum and you have to first overcome the huge inertia. Once you start seeing small steps of success happening because of your fierce determination, put even more effort into it. The cycle of success will then continue and you will start seeing significant results. Remember, for a fire to be big, you need to fuel the fire. I hope you will repeatedly fuel the fire within you. Motivation is not a one day thing, it is an everyday thing that you need to regularly talk to yourself.

So, what are you going to stop doing and start working on?

Leave me your comments.

Popularity: 4% [?]